I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor