I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.