Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.