“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Whisper out to librarians!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
spot the difference
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.