boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.