As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.