Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
You Might Also Like
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god