They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.