Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*mops up wine with cat*