When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
You Might Also Like
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
What the hell happened here.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
a god among men
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie