Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.