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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.