To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!