You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’m pretty like a car crash.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
who wants to go expliring
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.