”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket