I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Twitter fine art
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it