Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
i did the math
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.