[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I’d love this…lol
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”