accurate
You Might Also Like
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over