mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
😂😂😂
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.