Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*