During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You Might Also Like
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.