Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.