PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.