*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.