People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I can also cook 😂
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My teenage children choosing violence
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.