The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
*Inspirational Tweets*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?