I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
are there any atheist mantises?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?