My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
if a cop pulls u over play dead
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.