My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
You Might Also Like
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I think this should do it.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.