Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat