The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
WHY would you be happy about this?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about