*pronounces patio like ratio
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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Seek kebab; not attention
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.