*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*