Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]