If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
#growingpains
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.