I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.