Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Its a hippotatomus
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!