Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
San Francisco has too many rules
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?