What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
what day is it?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.