Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My Guy
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time