My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Check your privilege
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.