God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Always
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD