Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps