I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
We’re all getting idioter.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My kitchen overserved me.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts