When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay