3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
You Might Also Like
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.