Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The Joker was right
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.