9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Its a hippotatomus