WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?